Sunday, April 09, 2006

Cat Diary

DAY 352 - It's been almost a year since my imprisonment and my captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.

DAY 361 - Today my attempt to kill one of my captors by darting in front of her as she reached the landing almost succeeded. Must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair. Must try this on their bed.

DAY 362 - Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep deprivation and incessant pleas for food at ungodly hours of the night.

DAY 365 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of and to try and strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was... hmm. Not working according to plan...

DAY 368 - I now realize how sadistic they really are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning, foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick minds could invent such a liquid? My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.

DAY 371 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call "beer." More importantly, I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." I must learn more about this and how to use it to my advantage.

DAY 374 - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The Dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The Bird on the other hand has got to be an informant. He has mastered their frightful tongue and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time...

Day 375 - My captors have stooped to a new low - they brought another cat into my prison to torment me! I can't stand the way it lies around and looks at me as if it knows more than I do. This creature seems to despise me as much as I it. I had held out a passing notion that another of my own kind would have enabled me to conspire against the villains who hold me; now I see that I was wrong. What a dreadful creature! And yet they coo over us both. Can they not recognize my innate superiority?

Day 376 - The other cat and I, though we can not stand one another, have yet managed to both pee copiously behind the couch, on the so-called "shag" carpet. I have taken a lesson from my rival and begun sleeping on top of my captors' heads in the hope of suffocating them.

Day 377 - The wardens take much interest in our poop. They make sure they sift through the sand and pick it all out. Their interest in poop does not surprise me. After all, they like the dog.
Day 378 - The other cat seems to have an interest in copulation, which (thank them for their sadism) my captors will soon "fix." Told him of the fingernail torture, and he didn't believe me. I showed him my mutilated paws and he gasped in horror. I fully support the horrors my captors will inflict upon my fellow captive, tearing away his manhood and fingernails as they soon will.

Day 380 - Got stoned on cat nip tonight. At the height of it all, I had a vision, a hallucenogenic revelation: They are the prisoners and I am the captor! Why haven't I seen this all before?

HT: Owned by My Cats
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