It probably has to do with my grandiose plans: blog regularly, blog profoundly, expand my readership (beyond single digits). I'm really going to do it right this time! But then when I skip a few weeks (or as the date of my last blog reveals, a few months!) or write something un-profound (ill-founded?) or moderate my comments only to find a viagra ad as my only feedback, then my will to blog fails me. I'm a disappointment to myself.
My intermittent blogging (and my fear of failing to do it right!) parallels my thoughts on writing. I'm a terrible writer. Not that I'm actually that bad at putting words into a coherent story. But my writing spurts that end in sputters, my few piddly un-profound stories that I call writing, my single digit sales on Amazon all stand up and accuse me: you aren't a real writer.
Why? Because writers write and you don't. You don't get up at 4 a.m. to pound out a 1000 words before heading out to teach middle school English. You don't scribble in a notebook during passing period or during bellwork or during your lunch break. You don't turn off The Bachelor and American Idol or forego that afternoon nap on the weekends. You're a terrible writer because, face it, you love the idea of writing more than writing.
Call it the fear of failure or the fear of success. Whatever. The crazy thing is, I still have grandiose plans. I want to write full time. I want to entertain readers, provoke thoughts, say things. I want to write best-sellers. And another crazy thing? Every now and then I make a little headway. My herky-jerky efforts at blogging, writing, and (let's be real here) most everything else in life give way to seasons of productivity and success and satisfaction.
Like right now. These past few weeks I have been waking up early (but not that early). I have been scribbling thoughts during breaks in the action. I've even skipped American Idol (although I do need to finish this season's Bachelor on Tuesday). So maybe I'm not such a terrible writer after all. I'm sorta normal maybe. Or getting there. I'm moving from enjoying the idea of writing to actually enjoying writing. Again. Tune in later this year to see if this current spurt ends with another sputter. Here's how you'll know. If this is the most current blog post and you're reading it this summer, then yes, I'm a terrible blogger.